i have found myself

huddled beneath the new fallen snow

isn't it weird how literally

life can change overnight?

where nothing really has moved in any particular direction

but now there is an awareness, a hope, and something else

that i now feel inside of me

it's weird to think that two days ago i had almost given up

things were not going my way, and i felt i had lost myself

to dreams and realities beyond the scope of my understanding

and beyond the scope of my ability to grasp and accept

as reality

yet now here i am, two days later

humming and dreaming and crying to Brahms 3rd

desiring and wishing to do more, to be better

planning a future of success

where before i was doing nothing more than

grasping at straws or gasping for air

in a sea of doubt and frustrations

there isn't much i can say here

that really express what goes on inside of me

it isn't a simple expression or word or even emotion

it's a complexity that i spend hours pondering over

and still never really grasp what i want or who

i am.

well i am swallowed up in reality

controlled by a future of necessity rather than pleasure

a delicate straw-frame to maintain

my entire existence from falling down

but something changed

and i don't know what it was

or how it came about

or even why

but i am grateful for it