it's a common occurrence that as people get to know me
they either quickly realize who i really am and that i
have struggles with my own existence and who i am, and they're understanding
well, as best as they can. they'll listen
and care

and then there are those friends that don't seem to get it.
where i repair a fluke by pretending to be happy again around them
when they question whether or not 'our friendship is working'
when i have one moment of weakness where my true inner self shows
quiet, introverted, awkward, and unhappy

it's a horrid feeling realizing that your emotions are a burden on people
that you are a burden in general.
then things become clear as to why you have so few friends
because the reciprocity demands are quite high
i need someone to vent to, to express emotions that are otherwise
unacceptable to express, or simply supposed to be put down and buried
never really to come alive again, but never to be forgotten, either

realizing who i am has been something that i cannot accurately describe
i'm learning how to pretend to be happy, and it is admittedly easier through indirect actions
i compliment people, i love people, and it's so much easier to sound sincere
when it's written rather than said
because my voice carries, not sarcasm, but sadness
and it betrays my true feelings, which is 'you're a wonderful person... and i'm not'

it's a realization that i initiate conversations
i invite and am never invited
and i'm realizing more and more that i'm the person that invites someone to do something
and it's like a good turn, or service to 'enjoy' time with me
something to take in doses or to take as a necessary pill
because they know that their very presence heals me
and they know that i cling and beg for security and for validation that i exist
in the sphere that i should
that i am who i am and that really is enough

because when you're clouded with self-doubt there is a remarkable feeling
of insecurity with your own skin, and that carries into everything you do
either i put on an act and exhaust myself with false positivity or happiness
or i isolate myself by being to dark and shut out
i know that i personally cannot live with myself
it's an odd feeling
that the person you communicate with the most, isn't even someone you like
or want to look straight in the eyes

i think that's why i crave relationships so much
it's because i can't love myself but at least i can love others
which is what gets me to be who i am
and when people aren't loving back, it hurts
like it hurts more than people think, because it isn't them saying it anymore
it's me saying it to myself, like a second witness to my error or my fault

i don't know what to do with myself anymore.
i don't want to exist in the world i exist in
and i want an escape; to run away.
i'm not sure to where yet