what surprises me most
when i dig deep inside myself
and face my inner most doubts
and my fears regarding existence
and my own reality
is that when i share or open up
depression or darkness to someone
who wants to help or care,
usually they attempt to help
by cheering me up, but trying
to do something to bring about
a change of mood.

when this doesn't work the frustration
from their failed attempts is evident
and even if it isn't said, the sigh of defeat
and the stuttering of their voices speaks
far greater than any words

because i don't need a change in mood
it's not that i'm sad or in need of
superficial happiness
it's a need for meaning, for something
beyond having a 'good day'
this isn't doubting my ability to find joy
but my ability to find anything
and strangely the easiest way
to find the most intense emotions
is found in darkness

so i live in darkness, i breath in the darkness
and i embrace trying to understand how humanity
is still humanity, even at its worst
and i feel something, even if its just pain
or sorrow that such evil exists in the world.

but i take great solace in the words that say that
there truly is opposition in all things
for even if i can't, for whatever reason, feel the same
'happiness' or whatever you'd like to call it
as other people do, i know that somewhere someone
is experiencing it.