what is it like
to feel anything
to reach anything
to be anything?

i've been doing everything
as i need
and yet i feel like everything
is empty
not that the joy is fleeting
but that
there is no joy at all
not that it isn't satisfying,
but that
there is no satisfaction

i want to call this depression
but i feel like that's a buzz word
--the excuse for having emotions
when really in all actuality
depression isn't being sad
it's being nothing
feeling nothing
and it's that emptiness that rips you apart
it isn't sadness, it's nothingness
where even the thought of fear is twisted
into a need to escape